Where are people bullied?

• at work by their manager or co-workers or subordinates, or by their clients (bullying, workplace bullying, mobbing, work abuse, harassment, discrimination)
• at home by their partner or parents or siblings or children (bullying, assault, domestic violence, abuse, verbal abuse)
• at school (bullying, harassment, assault)
• in the care of others, such as in hospital, convalescent homes, care homes, residential homes (bullying, harassment, assault)
• in the armed forces (bullying, harassment, discrimination, assault)
• by those in authority (harassment, abuse of power)
• by neighbours and landlords (bullying, harassment)
• by strangers (harassment, stalking, assault, sexual assault, rape, grievous bodily harm, murder)

How do you know if you're being bullied? Bullying differs from harassment and assault in that the latter can result from a single incident or small number of incidents - which everybody recognises as harassment or assault - whereas bullying tends to be an accumulation of many small incidents over a long period of time. Each incident tends to be trivial, and on its own and out of context does not constitute an offence or grounds for disciplinary or grievance action. So, ...

What is bullying?

• constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
• simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognise your existence and value
• constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential
• where you are in a group (eg at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
• being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
• being belittled, demeaned and patronised, especially in front of others
• being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
• being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
• finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarised
• having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
• having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused
• being denied training necessary for you to fulfil your duties
• having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
• ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
• finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
• being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
• being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc

For further information on what bullying is, click here. For an answer to the question Why me?, click here.

How do I recognise a bully?

Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you can be clever too.

Who does this describe in your life?

• Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides
• is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment
• uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy
• relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib
• displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity
• excels at deception
• exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)
• exhibits much controlling behaviour and is a control freak
• displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others
• when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
• often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen
• has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)
• when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)
• is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills

I estimate one person in thirty has this behaviour profile. I describe them as a socialised psychopath, or sociopath: a violent, aggressive but intelligent individual who expresses their violence psychologically (constant criticism etc) rather than physically (assault). For the full profile, click here.

What does bullying do to my health?

Bullying causes injury to health and makes you ill. How many of these symptoms do you have?

• constant high levels of stress and anxiety
• frequent illness such as viral infections especially flu and glandular fever, colds, coughs, chest, ear, nose and throat infections (stress plays havoc with your immune system)
• aches and pains in the joints and muscles with no obvious cause; also back pain with no obvious cause and which won't go away or respond to treatment
• headaches and migraines
• tiredness, exhaustion, constant fatigue
• sleeplessness, nightmares, waking early, waking up more tired than when you went to bed
• flashbacks and replays, obsessiveness, can't get the bullying out of your mind
• irritable bowel syndrome
• skin problems such as eczema, psoriasis, athlete's foot, ulcers, shingles, urticaria
• poor concentration, can't concentrate on anything for long
• bad or intermittently-functioning memory, forgetfulness, especially with trivial day-to-day things
• sweating, trembling, shaking, palpitations, panic attacks
• tearfulness, bursting into tears regularly and over trivial things
• uncharacteristic irritability and angry outbursts
• hypervigilance (feels like but is not paranoia), being constantly on edge
• hypersensitivity, fragility, isolation, withdrawal
• reactive depression, a feeling of woebegoneness, lethargy, hopelessness, anger, futility and more
• shattered self-confidence, low self-worth, low self-esteem, loss of self-love, etc